Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
