Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
