I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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