I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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