Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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