I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
