Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
