I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
