note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
