My cat gives me a boner
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
