Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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