Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i think im in europe. pls send help
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
