i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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