my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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