your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Someone came in the potted fern
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
