Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
