I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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