i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
