dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
