My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
