Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
