He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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