My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
