My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize