You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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