I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
