The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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