i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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