Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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