She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
