i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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