There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
