When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
