I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
