i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let's get the cat blown out
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
