I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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