i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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