He asked me if I "almost moaned"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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