someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
