Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
