My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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