I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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