I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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