I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
