the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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