I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
