Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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