Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
