I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
