the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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