I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
