Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
