Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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