Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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