Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
