Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
