EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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