my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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