dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
