I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
